You Mean that was on Purpose?

"Wait a minute, they moved your daughter into a difficult roommate situation on purpose??"
"Yep, they want to induce the struggle, they want to see their real colors surface so they can work through it."

Yikes.
This from my friend whose daughter is living at Heartlight, a Christian boarding school. Following a parent visit we got to hear about this precious gal's time so far, what she's learning and how the process works. Heartlight's approach to this roommate / living strategy struck me as such an unnatural, undesired, yet incredibly productive technique.

In light of just moving our oldest into college, choosing good roommates is table talk around here. Last summer Bran was placed with two amazing baseball teammates, and we were beyond thrilled on that drive home from Waco ~ what a gift! And then again this fall, moving into an apartment, placed with another teammate of his choice ~  a gift. It is such a priority to know our kids are in a solid, comfortable, uplifting living situation.

And yet ~ at Heartlight ~ they are purposely moving teens into potentially difficult living situations, on purpose, switching around throughout the year, over and over again?

How much do we desire comfort and peace and calm? Even knowing God's economy of the importance of struggle, I am still batting it away, anxious for it to be resolved. Looking for a soft place to land ~ certainly for myself, but even more for my children. My MO is taking Herculean leaps for my kiddos especially to avoid the struggle, to be comfortable and released from difficulty.

However, those leaps for comfort - it's just not realistic, and it's also not the best.

Being intentional to build in struggle ~
This is what my dad intended with my brother Trey's first car. Bringing half the money to the table AND rebuilding the engine.

This is what my friend Ginger imposed when her 7th grade daughter posted on her mom's Facebook account last week, asking friends and family what small jobs she could do to earn money for a Lauren Daigle concert ticket. Instead of just being happy her daughter wants to go to this concert, instead of just buying a ticket, she's allowing her daughter to earn it.

This is what Michael Phelps' swimming coach imposed in his Olympic training - actually stepping on and cracking Phelp's goggles before a race so that they would fill with water and teach him how to race blind. That came in handy when Phelps’ goggles filled with water at the Beijing Games, in a race he won.

All of these parents and coaches know that increasing the struggle leads to increased success - to perfecting perseverance through overcoming unexpected difficulty.

For the kid who has to earn his car, his concert ticket, while their friends have things handed to them.
For the college student struggling with a difficult roommate and loneliness, when it seems everyone else is happy and thriving.
Can you imagine Phelps' response when he realized his coach actually stepped on his goggles?

As an adult who's been walking with the Lord for many years, I can often wrap my mind around the importance of struggle. And with time I can usually accept it in my own life.
But I'm seriously lacking the desire to impose it on my children. To even watch it.

Just this morning a friend pointed me to James ch 1 ~
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds. 

What if we personalized it a little ~ 
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when your children face trials of many kinds. 

Now I'm getting a little uncomfortable. But let's be reminded of the result -

the testing of your (their) faith develops perseverance. 
And not only that, but

perseverance must finish it's work so that you (and your precious kiddos) may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

A couple of weeks ago I endured a difficult experience with our youngest daughter. After a week of 7th grade volleyball tryouts, Essie was disappointed not to make the A team. She cried a little and then pulled herself together, making the best of B team. As Basden tried to encourage her, "At least you'll get lots of playing time, and you can work your way up to A."

Turns out, week of the first game, not everyone on B team earned a jersey. Essie fell among the "plain clothes" crew. This resulted in more than a few tears, as she truly cried off and on all evening, surprised and dismayed that she would be in plain clothes at the first home game, not allowed a uniform, standing in shame as one who just wasn't good enough. At one point that evening she looked at me with watery eyes and said, "Mom, why is this happening to me?"

When I texted my parents not to come in for the game, as Essie would not be playing, my dad immediately responded with,  
"Well, now we get to watch Essie grow."

Certainly I have the years under my belt to recognize this is 7th grade volleyball. But even so, I was hurting for my little girl. Attending the packed gym for the A game, followed by the B game, with Esther watching and not participating was killing me. I was touched by my friend Anne's sensitivity as she came and just sat with me, her own daughter on the court with the A team. And afterwards, for the group photo, the uniformed girls waved over those without for the group picture - such a kind gesture.

But what I learned, and what I shared with Esther, is that I was more proud of her for getting through that evening, cheering on her friends and teammates, than I would have been had she served 25 times on the A team. And let's be honest, it's not just Esther's heart the Lord is working on (!).

Corbin and I will continue figuring things out with our parenting. Asking God for that wisdom he promises to "give generously" when we ask. But in the meantime as we all face discomfort, our unique struggles, it brings such comfort to know that this vice is - yes, on purpose. Difficult roommates, difficult marriages, difficult extended family, difficult financial strain, difficult health issues... they bring us to dependence on the One who is able to do more than we can ask or even imagine.

I'm definitely not planning to step on my kids' goggles. But I'm learning to watch expectantly when they have to swim with their eyes squeezed shut. We can practice gratitude for the many, many gifts that are not hard at all and just plain fun, and we can also thank God for the struggles that build perseverance and make us mature, complete.
May HE be our safe place to land ~ on purpose!