"What can I do? How can I make things better for him? What should I have already done differently to help him avoid feeling like this?"
My children's, my husband's, anyone's but my own.
I'm slowly learning, and accepting... I cannot possibly manufacture another person's happiness, or their goodness.
No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I love them.
It's not on me.
Some things I can count on:
- My children (and husband) will struggle, and
- I am powerless to determine their happiness.
And if their happiness is my goal, I will come up short every time.
The same can be said for their goodness.
I'm a slow learner, but I am learning. And guess what?? I'm finding joy and freedom in the process.
In his recent book, "Parenting," Paul David Tripp writes,
"Good parents... have come to understand that they have no power whatsoever to change their children and that without God's wisdom they wouldn't even know what is best for their children."Ok wow, that's a statement. Again:
Here's the bottom line for every parent: the change that has to happen in each of your children, you can't create. In fact, nowhere in his Word has God tasked you with the responsibility to create it. Good parenting is about becoming okay with the fact that you are powerless to change your child. In fact, good parenting is about celebrating the fact that God has and never will put the burden of change on you. Because changing your children is a burden that we could never bear, God bore that burden for us by sending his Son to be the author of lasting personal change. The burden that caused his death liberates us parents and gives new life to our children. Now that's good news! So our job is simple; it's not to create change, but to be humble and willing instruments of change in the hands of the one and only author of change. (p. 62)I think if I'd read this book five years ago, those statements might have flown right over my head. Or perhaps I would have disagreed, thinking the author had raised extra-difficult children. And I'm pretty sure I have a few friends that upon reading that paragraph would burn the book.
But as for me, with three teenagers and one pre-teen (let's be honest, FOUR teenagers) in the house, I wholeheartedly agree.
And it's a relief, to be honest. A relief that it's not my job to create lasting behavior and ultimately change my children's hearts. We can model and guide and love and certainly pray, but change is not in our parenting job description.
One of my dear friends recently challenged me to pray two things:
1 - Lord, show me my sin
2 - Help me to see my child through your eyes
Oh. my. word.
And so far, if I could sum up my take-aways from Tripp's "Parenting" in a couple of sentences, it would be the same.
Lord, show me my sin.
And help me to love your children ~ these precious ones you've entrusted to Corbin and me ~ well.
A few more quotes I'm chewing on that qualify these ideas:
"Mercy ministry always comes down to this: you can help, but only Jesus can heal." - Rosaria Butterfield, Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert (describing caring for foster children, but I'm beginning to view my parenting through this lens)
"It's my job to love you, it's God's job to make you good." - Ruth Bell Graham ~ to her husband(!!)
And last but not least, of course I hear Cappy's voice, "A person is about as happy as they decide to be."
Amen and amen. Let us lean in, love well, and prayerfully wrestle demons over our children as necessary. But then may we leave the happiness and heart change to Jesus, the One true Healer.