Thursday, June 11, 2009

Anybody else ever feel like this?

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Thy faithfulness...

Thank goodness! Every so often - like last night - I go to bed with a heavy heart, carrying the weight of the world into my slumber, closing my eyes on yet another unproductive day. Unproductive - not only in household tasks, etc., but even more so in what I perceive of my heart’s growth and of my children’s.

For instance, just from yesterday...
- my kids’ "level 8" (on my 1-10 rating) bickering at my neighbor’s house during a brief late-afternoon swim
- one child telling me I was “ruining his summer” upon seeing the library books I’d researched and poured over and spent the morning collecting (talk about a knife to the gut - that one’s still nearly too tender to write here)
- my desk loaded with papers and packages and school work and art work - quite similar to the way it looked last week (how does it accumulate SO QUICKLY?!)
- bad attitudes from my kids (and me) in general, juxtaposed with my desire that our home would emanate a fun, relaxed environment (um, not today...)
- sometime around 9:00 pm, I mentally decided to QUIT complaining to Corbin about our day. He’d endured a full day at work, and because of what I'd communicated to him, had no frame of reference that behind my discouraging tirades with the kids, I’d also laughed and relished moments of getting to be home with them. And then, despite my resignation to not complain again, I found myself just moments later uttering yet another annoyance to Corbin (and he’s thinking, WHO did I marry??)
- as my head hit the pillow around 11:00 pm, my mind stirred with thoughts of all the ways our day could have gone more smoothly. I stared at the ceiling, nursing stabs of personal failure and discouragement.

In the wee hours of the night, as silver streaks of lightening danced in brilliant leaps outside my bedroom windows, these words from 1 Timothy filtered into my soul and smoothed away all (well, most of) that angst and disappointment I felt from what is actually a very normal day around here.

Be diligent in these matters (i.e., parenting, marriage, writing...); give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them... (1 Tim 4:15-16)

Just simple words, but they penetrated and replaced my discouragement with a resolution to keep plugging, keep fighting.

If God's Word is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, then these words are certainly alive to me today, a boost of incentive to hang in there. Words that inspire me to keep teaching and hugging and training and wiping and holding and listening.

Thank you, Father, for your unspeakable, tender gift of encouragement through your Word. I needed that!