Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Here and Now


Sometimes, out of nowhere, I'm jolted by it.
Jolted by the reality of this moment, of the here and now.
As my crazy kids wrestle and turn cartwheels in our messy den, as I help Esther put the mounds of Barbie shoes and clothes and half naked dolls yet again into the white plastic tub, as I walk past the row of tupperware boxes filled with photos and old cheerleading uniforms in our dusty garage that have been greeting me for years...
It hits me that THIS is it.
The here and now.
THIS is what I've dreamed of, now literally, for years: Getting to be a wife and mom, living my days with these five fascinating people.
This moment, sitting here at my laptop, is part of what makes up all the moments that make up the days and the weeks and the years - and THIS is it.

The problem is, though I'm (honestly) grateful for my life, I thought I'd be different.
I thought by thirty-eight I'd be more mature, more Godly, more grown-up, more steady.
I thought I'd be in better shape, that I'd cook healthier meals, that I'd cherish getting to sit on the floor and play with my children.
I thought I'd be fluent in Spanish, and that I'd play piano really regularly.
I thought I'd be teaching more Bible studies, and writing more Bible studies. 
Definitely thought I'd have a writing career underway. It saddens me sometimes, more often than I like to admit, that I'm not doing more of what I love with writing.

And while my self examination reveals the reasons why these things are not so, I'm pretty content with who I am (and who I am not) because it lies in comparison with all of the unexpected, fulfilling surprises I didn't even know to anticipate in my younger years. But specifically with writing and speaking and teaching, it feels defeating to be here, far from what I pictured.

Part of my fear in writing is that I keep waiting to become that person. That person I've pictured all these years. The really mature one, the early-bird-Bible-scholar one. The one who doesn't struggle with fatigue and fear and inadequacy. The one who doesn't hurt her mom's feelings or lose her temper or feel discouraged by shallow ridicule.

But you know what? It's hitting me, slowly and surely, that I'm just never going to be that person.
My goal is slowly shifting from "capable and sure grown-up" to "needy one who walks with (is carried by!) Jesus."

So, this is my here and now. It's all I've got. And believe me, I'm needy (goal accomplished).
No sense in waiting for Ms. Capable-and-Figured-It-All-Out to show up. 
Is it possible that a few jumbled words, sparse and vulnerable and hesitant, written by the hand of a Not-Even-Begun-To-Figure-It-All-Out, could provide comfort and encouragement?
As Basden tells me, "Mommy, if you want to write, then GET WRITING."
And you, dear friend, are privy to my pep-talk.
On unsteady feet I traverse...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Family Movie Night

Sex... None
Violence... None
Language... None
Behavior... None
No, it's not a Veggie Tales DVD.
It's on TELEVISION.
No kidding.
AND - Brooke White!

This Saturday night, Jan 8. 
Fox
8:00 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Central)

From Parents Television Council....
For years, Americans have been aching for entertainment appropriate for families. In April 2010, two of America's biggest advertisers -- Procter & Gamble and Wal-Mart --  decided to do something about it! And so was born Family Movie Night…a series of evenings on which movies perfect for the entire family are shown.
The newest made-for-TV movie, Change of Plans, is a delightful movie of the kind "they don't make anymore." It's a touching drama about the importance of family – and about being open to seeing a “change of plans” not as a disaster, but as an opportunity. Best of all, it's completely free of offensive content.

Change of Plans was financed by Procter & Gamble and Wal-Mart. These companies have put their own money on the line to create programming appropriate for families and children. And now, restaurant chain Chick-Fil-A has joined with them in sponsoring and promoting family programming.

We all should applaud these sponsors for doing what the networks aren't willing to do. But more than that, it is vital that we support them!

Please watch Change of Plans with your family Saturday night -- and encourage your friends and family members to do the same. Don't miss this chance to show your support for clean family programming!